Introduction

I recently purged some very old emails from an online account, and this gem happened to catch my eye before hitting the delete button. This was a satirical email I sent to some friends at the time, offered as advice on how to succeed as a manager in a big corporation. It’s been many years since I even thought about that job, but the trauma of working there came flooding back when I read this list. I assure you, everything on this list was present in that company’s culture.

The List

Make sure every email you ever send an employee includes the word “URGENT” in all caps in the subject.
Change your staff’s priorities frequently, then punish them for failing to hit deadlines on the projects you told them to drop.
Encourage your people to take vacation time, then make sure they have far too much work to actually allow a break. On the rare days they do take off, insist that they call in to all their meetings.
Never recognize a single accomplishment throughout the course of year. Around Christmas time, interoffice mail your staff a gift card to share at the Macaroni Grill “in appreciation of all their hard work”. Make sure the amount on the card doesn’t completely cover the cost of a meal.
Scold your employees when they fail to bring something to your attention. The next time one of them brings something something to your attention, tell him whatever it is, it should have been addressed with his direct supervisor. Employees returning your phone calls should be dismissed with equal prejudice.
Expect your employess to travel for business on weekends and take conference calls from the airport. When employees travel, insist they attend meeting in both their home and local time zones, especially when they are overseas.
Demand meetings on less than 10 minutes notice. Once you have everyone on the conference call, make sure you immediately respond to any other demands on your attention, including instant messages, text messages, emails, and other phone calls. Try to hang up on the meeting while one of your employees is talking to you.
Hold strategy meetings with your employees before executive presentations so that everyone is “on the same page”. If the executive disagrees with you for any reason, abandon the previously determined strategy, align your opinion with your executive manager, and publicly blame your staff for contributing bad ideas.
Mandate that every employee set goals for himself, then deny every resource that could possibly make those goals achievable (budget, training, travel, extra pencils, etc.). If anyone complains that his merit raise was denied, explain that he failed to meet his goals, and it is “out of your hands”.
All successes should be credited to your managerial skills. All failures should be blamed on your staff. You’re amazing.

Get Help

If any of this sounds familiar, consider changing jobs. If you are doing any of these things to your staff, you might be an awful manager. We can get work done and treat people with dignity at the same time.